Coming, January 2011

I've been seeing a Midwife Group Practice for prenatal care this time around. Having our fifth child, I know it seems like I should have had this all figured out by now, but I don't. I put off talking to anyone while I was morning sick because I was too cranky from the nausea to string any functional thought together and too emotional to make decisions. After it ebbed, I spent a week or so putting my home back in some working order and then I got up the courage to try something different. I'd like to avoid the hospital and have my baby at home this time around.

The hospital folks mean well, but it's really not the best place for those first few days of being with my new baby. I'm looking forward to greeting the new one and nursing in our own bed and cuddling brothers and sisters in our own environment, where there's a place for everyone to sit and be and where Daddy can be with us without driving away to sleep somewhere else. And where the food is fresh and nutritious and all my clothes are on hand to choose from instead of living out of a duffel bag. And where a motrin is $4 a bottle instead of $4 a pill! A place where I can work through my high and lows of postnatal hormones without feeling like I'm being judged or tutored, and where our guests can linger in the living room and feel welcome and not hurried.

We're expecting in January, which is different! We'll have a baby for each season then. January always makes me gloomy with the gray sky and short cold days. There's something precious about winter too. That sharp cold that's like life's pain that reminds us we hurt because we live, and the filigree of frost on windows. There's an anticipatory joy that makes spring sweeter, and there's something comforting about pulling on my thickest socks and sweater and making hot tea every day. But this winter is going to be the best of all. I can't wait to meet this new person in our lives and discover someone distinct from all the rest.

For the first time instead of dread and fear of the delivery, I'm actually feeling prepared and ready. I'm looking forward to this birth experience.